I've been me my entire life. I don't know of another way to be. It's just the way I am. Through all of my life I've been in a constant state of change. It's been pretty consistent throughout the years, and since change has always been such a large part of my life, I'm pretty much the same as I've always been.

My life started before I was born. I don't remember anything about that time in my life, and very little from a few years afterwards. Past that, my memory is a bit fuzzy. I think it might be moldy. I'll just give you a brief rundown of my life history, and I'll fill in the blank areas with whatever I logically conclude to be the truth.

I've been the coolest guy in the world since birth. Everywhere I go, everyone looks at me and says "Damn, that guy's cool!" And I'm all like "Hell yeah, bitch!" And then all is good. It's almost like how an animal just knows what kind of food it needs, people just know I'm cool. I'm not sure where all this fits in with my not fitting in at school most of my life, but I'm sure it works out somehow. They say the universe works in the mall... or something.

After being so cool for so long, things start to look different to you. Even at 6'1", everyone looks shorter than me. If I met Abraham Lincoln, I might say to him "Damn you're short!", but I'd more likely say "What the fuck? You're dead! Quit walking around!"

Cool aside, I've lived for some 25 years. That's a quarter of a century! I'd almost say that I'm an adult. Almost. I know people my age are getting married, having kids, and working hard towards their retirement. Me, I'm not ready to end my life just yet. I'm not going to crawl across shards of glass just so I can die comfortably. I'm going to live comfortably now! And as soon as I figure out how to do that, I'll let you know.

It's true I've had my share of women. I'm not a sex-starved individual. It's just that masturbation is so much faster and more convenient, and even less expensive than going out and hiring a hooker (hey, they cost less than a relationship, do what you tell them, and leave when you want them to).

When you've lived for as long as I have, you pick up a lot of philosophies. "Hard before beer, you're in the clear. Beer before hard, you're in the yard." - "Chances are, that cheese wasn't that color when you bought it." - "Don't take off your pants unless you know where you are." All the important things. You begin to collect a lot of these, and forget even more. Why, the wisdom that has passed through these ears could fill a book. Why, just last night, a woman told me "I hope you don't have HIV because I do not want to get that again!" Of course, there was nothing to worry about. I've never had sex with a woman who had HIV. I don't even know what that is, so I'm safe.

I've found going to church to be very time-consuming. I've never met this "God" person, but every week a bunch of people gather in his house and listen to old people tell stories and then we all get up and have a sing-along. I can't wait until they do some karaoke there. I mean, why not? We even get to pick what songs to sing. I want to sing some Black Sabbath. That band kicks ass. Well, I really just wish those old people would shut the hell up. They're boring. But I still go every week. Well, sometimes I have something else I really need to do, or I just feel bad, or I slept through it. Hey, it's not my fault that something has come up 526 weeks in a row!

I've never understood religious wars. Here you've got several masses of people with generally similar ideas fighting each other over who has the better invisible friend. Of course, because neither side can be proven right or wrong, and neither side wants to admit the inevitable truth that they actually know nothing, the wars will continue until they all wipe each other out and the atheists and agnostics take over the world. Then the only ideal wars will be fought with bad poems and college essays.

I didn't go to college. I thought "This working world can just take me as I am, because I am already ready for that 7-figure salary." However, I will admit, I was wrong. After watching a lot of 80's college films, I know that college is not about education, it's about experience! They say "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college." I feel I have missed out on a great portion of life. I shall now write a song about it. It'll be called "I didn't go to college you insensitive clod!"

Working in the work force these past four years has made me realize that I really don't like working. I need to find a job where I don't have to do anything and I get paid regardless. I could sit around playing video games while hookers go down on me all day long. Or maybe I could hire a secretary and she'd go down on me all day long. That would solve the problem of going out and picking a woman every day. I could also make her bring me coffee and sort my game collection while naked. I don't see why more people don't have secretaries.

I've accomplished quite a few accomplishments in my lifetime. 25 years gives you a lot of time to accumulate accomplishments, and I've accumulated quite a covey of accomplishments. My stars, the accomplishments I've accomplished. Why I've accomplished so many accomplishments, to list my accomplishments would be to accomplish an accomplishment that is an accomplishment all its own. Accomplishments beget accomplishments, and my accomplishments are, I must say, quite an accomplishment. I would even go so far to say that I am an accomplished person. Quite an accomplishment.

The things that are important to me in life are life, liberty, and the pursuit of women, video games, hard liquor, drugs, animalesque sex, frisbee dodgeball, card games, fast cars, loud music, and motherfucking Nerf swordfights! JEAH! So, as you see, I am quite diverse in my ambitions. One might say I am a jack-of-all-trades-that-matter. Except for cooking, of course. While I am an excellent chef, it is neither something I pride myself on, nor a pursuit of mine. It is just something that is. Ah, and I think ninjas are cool.

One of my greatest flaws, I would say, is that I get horny for no apparent reason in times when I cannot put it to any use whatsoever. I might be at a funeral and I got the Eiffel fucking Tower in my pants. I'm looking across the grave at the weeping widow thinking "I bet she could use a good fuck." It's not sensible, I know, and it is a flaw of character that weighs heavy on my mind. On a lighter note, this really hot married chick I know recently became single again.

In closing, I would like to say a few things.

A few things.

Thank you.